disclaimer : small letters intended
content warning : mentions of mental breakdown, sadness, loneliness - a.k.a things considered dark. might be triggering to some.
hey, people (nervous laughters) this is like writing a diary but letting everyone read it, phew.
how is your semester break so far? if you are having fun so far despite the mco, i am happy for you. if you have been not-so-okay, well, i hope you get to enjoy your break soon. for me personally, i had fun for the first two weeks - binge watching movies and the tv shows i missed out on during the semester, playing games, reading a book (yes, only one - and i finished 3 kdramas with 16 episodes each and let's not get started on the animes with seasons), catching up with some friends through skype and spending some time with my baby sister. yeah, basically, that.
then i felt lost. i could not finish 5 of the shows i started, i could barely get five minutes into it. i felt empty, no sense of happiness or sadness… it is like being in a room where everything is gray in colour and you are just there, standing, not knowing what to do. i tried walking around the room, jumping, running, rolling and i just cannot seem to find the exit.
i can see my friends knocking on a window from outside of the room (let! me! in!) they are trying to get to me but i did not know how to react. i just stood there. watching them. and then they go, and they come again. well, it does lessen the loneliness. but sometimes i feel suffocated when i see them at the window. i want them to go away. i crave solitude. yet when they are gone, i feel scared of being the only person there. i know, it is annoying.
if you think that was difficult to understand, so do i. i am just as annoyed and confused as you are. maybe there is a solution to it, maybe not. i like having them there, but not always. i like being alone but i loathe feeling lonely. maybe instead of them knocking at the window, they can just sit there and do whatever they want to - so i can see them and still be alone.
this might be an outcome of the overwhelming interactions i had during the semester, where everything was done online and i had to always stay connected because people always needed my response asap. it drained my social battery and i feel exhausted every time i need to talk to people - even if it is a family member, a close friend or a significant other. today, even getting a ‘ding!’ on my phone makes my heart race (not because my crush is texting me, but i am afraid that someone needs a quick reply and what if i do not have what they want?) i wish people would understand more that some people take time to reply, give them some time to process your text and if it is not urgent, please do not make a big deal out of it. if it is a casual text, i hope you would respect that the person is probably in need of some me-time - they are not ignoring you (at least not you only, they surely have 105 unread chat rooms). if it is urgent maybe just double text or give them a call. it is as simple as that.
i personally enjoy my solitude and having some companies can be nice too.
i don't know if i have made some sense in this whole entry - just thought that i needed to address this. i hope the message is well conveyed.
if you have anything you wish to share with others, email them to lggazetteeclipse@gmail.com
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Proofread by : Ilyana Elisa & Illya-Wardina
Published by : Aisyah Hanim
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